a tree

every year we get a tree.
and every year it is a struggle.
maybe my expectations are too high?
i long for a
peaceful,
fun filled,
family tree hunting expedition - with
Christmas carols in the car,
and hot chocolate,
and snow,
and candy canes,
and no complaining.
the last few years
i lowered the expectation  -
went to home depot
and just dragged the darn thing home -
by myself.
then tried to
drum up the atmosphere -
at home.
no one wanted to decorate -
everyone wants
to scatter -
and do their own thing.
we are divided.
and i get grouchy.
this year,
i tried again -
no one wanted to go.
they had mad faces,
and slow movements -
no happy 'get the Christmas tree excitement'.
i tired of it -
and i gave up.
i drove around by myself for a while -
and came to peace
with having no big fresh tree this time.
it's something that has been important to me.
but,
maybe this is a lesson -
in letting go -
in not always having what i want.
in making the people more important -
than the tradition.
i will use the money
i would have spent
to help someone else.
a tree seems like
a shallow kind of
sacrifice.
but maybe for me -
it is a start of bigger things.

here is our artificial table top tree, it is what we will have this year.